The Jeremy Times

TUCSON — Derek Chauvin, the former police officer convicted of murdering George Floyd, was involved in a knife-related incident today, which occurred deep within his gut, according to those familiar with the situation.

While at Federal Correctional Institution, Chauvin’s body was entered by the knife several times, at which case, his body ceased to function correctly. The knife was reportedly, at the time of thrusting, being held by someone other than Chauvin. Furthermore, Chauvin’s condition is worsened by being within 15 miles away from possible fentanyl, which experts confirm can affect police officers by upwards of 10,000x as much as regular human beings.

“Admittedly, officer-involved killings usually go the other way around. So until we review all of the details, there is literally no way for us to say whether this is good or bad,” said a spokesperson for the prison. “Unfortunately, every single video camera in the facility was off at the time. Sorry, I mean the cameras were all involved in an incident of not being turned on.”

As of press time, Chauvin’s ex-wife was reportedly receiving a non-police-officer-involved orgasm.