The Jeremy Times

SAN FRANCISCO — Businessman and rumored friend of child sex traffickers Elon Musk reportedly did a quick search for his name in a PizzaGate-related document before sharing it to X (formerly Twitter) today.

“This document is very very concerning. There’s really horrifying stuff in it. Actually, hold on, lemme just… OK yeah, we’re good, yeah this is really disgusting stuff,” Musk reportedly said to X staffers before posting a document which was found to be completely fake in 2018. “It’s really scary what these rich and powerful people are doing. It’s actually not very epic at all. And trust me, I know these elites quite well. My father, my brother, and many of my closest friends are potentially a part of these schemes. In fact, it may be literally everyone I know.”

According to those who work with Musk, the entrepreneur has recently become obsessed with PizzaGate.

“He sent us all these transcripts of Hillary Clinton’s emails from years ago in a company-wide announcement and said we all have to read them by the end of the day or else we’re fired. I don’t know if there’s gonna be a quiz or what,” explained one of the few staffers inexplicably still working at X. “I’m really nervous he’s gonna show up at Comet Ping Pong with a gun and not even realize someone already did that.”

At press time, Elon Musk responded “!” to a fan who posted a photo of an alleged pedophile, but then quickly deleted the response after realizing it was just a picture of himself from before had a hair transplant.